It’s Hillbilly Days Festival time in Pikeville, which means common folk like me head to town while all the snooty people head for the hills. You know the type — the ones who think their poop don’t stink just because they got themselves an Associates of Arts degree from a community college, a Tahoe and a Labrador Retriever. Well, the joke’s on them because this one promises to be the best ever, as I’m told there’s several new attractions. 

New just for you ladies during Hillbilly Days 2019 — the Old White Guy Scratch and Sniff Booth. For the curious gal who’s all moonshined up and has nowhere to go, for three days only she can be stimulated by a simulated Joe Biden back scratch and hair-sniffing right here in downtown Pikeville. It’s perfectly legal, and it’s safe. Sort of. 

Of course, it’s only a locally contracted-out pervert in the booth, not really Joe, but it’s only $2 and, in the dark, you’ll hardly tell the difference. Plus when you come out, you get a sticker on your halter top that says “scratch me please” and when people do, it smells like Aqua Velva and dill pickles.

For you Hillbilly Democrats, you’ll just love the new Bernie Sanders Cash Grab machine. All you do is step inside and see how much of other people’s money you can grab as it swirls around in thin air. But make sure to get there early, cause once all the money’s blown, it’s gone.

For the kids, I hear there’ll be a stage in the park where a woman dressed like Elizabeth Warren will paint their faces and put feathers in their hair. If you think you’ve got a houseful of comanches now, you ain’t seen nothing.

For the guys, right after the pig-calling contest, there’ll be a competition on the courthouse steps to see who can come with the most pathetic apology for being born a white man. The guy who delivers the lamest spew will get a free virgin daiquiri and a lifetime supply of those candy flavored pacifiers.

In the Expo Center, try your luck in the Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Vortex Chamber. You get in the back of a cattle trailer with four other people and a cow. The trailer gradually fills up with passed gas from the cow until there’s only one person standing. You must sign a waiver.

I may be just a common hillbilly trapped in a hillbilly vortex but I still know a few things. You’ll never take my guns and I’ll never pay anyone one dime of reparations.

And Donald Trump became a billionaire on his own dime and his own time, unlike these shady Democrats who demand to see his tax returns. Trump even donates his Presidential salary to charity. Most of these lifetime political parasites in Congress get a salary of around $160,000 a year but are worth millions. It’s their returns we need to be demanding.

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