The emergency isn’t. Why don’t you emerge from under that bed before the dust mites eat you.

There is no crisis on our southern border. There is no invading army. Pregnant Panamanians are not portaging poison into Presidio. Militant Mexicans aren’t manufacturing mayhem outside Mesa.

There is nothing to worry about. Nothing that a border wall is going to fix.

But if you’re one of those Beulahs who just has to worry about something, here’s a short list of real emergencies Meat, Tater and I put together. It’s by no means complete, we just don’t want to overwhelm you.

Our country’s top intelligence agency believes the Oval Office occupant might be working for the Russians. When briefed of the investigation, none of the Gang of 8 Senate and Congressional leaders objected based on the evidence presented.

The guy who might be working for the Russians has refused to enforce sanctions on Russia approved by a non-partisan majority of Congress. He publicly states he believes the Russian president over American intelligence agencies.

The guy who might be working for the Russians has announced a rejection of nuclear arms treaties that prevent new weapons development by our enemies. Tearing up the treaties mean Putin can develop nuclear devices to use against Europe. The same guy wants to tear down NATO, Europe’s defense against Russia.

The guy who might be working for the Russians has worked to undermine every agency in our government and the constitution on which our government is based. He doesn’t even appear to know how it works.

The party of the guy who might be working for the Russians and their organized support organizations, like the National Rifle Association, are so fueled by rubles they can’t throw a party without inviting Uncle Vanya. The same party is actively working to take away voting rights from Americans, kill public education across the country, and give industries carte blanche to pollute and pillage as they see fit.

Thirty odd percent of our population either doesn’t believe any of the above or just doesn’t care. Many of them are so divorced from reality they still think Obama is a Muslim and Trump is a Christian.

Finally, that tax refund you were going to use for a new transmission on the truck ain’t coming. That special surprise tax bill is trickling down all over the righteous right about now. The good news is while your tax bill actually went up, Amazon and Apple will once again pay zero taxes on their billions in profits. Most likely Cadet Bonespurs will owe no coin, either.

So expect your social security to get cut, your insurance rates to go up, your roads and infrastructures to continue falling apart and your nephew to keep cooking meth.  It’s such a small price to pay to keep the Koch Brothers on top. At least Hillary’s not president, right?

Like I said earlier, we could go on with this list. The main thing to remember is the great Cheetoh’s National Emergency isn’t. We have nothing to fear from brown skinned refugees. Our real crises begins with the Oval Office and there’s no telling where it ends.

And that’s kinda scary. You got any extra room under that bed?

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