The richest man in the world is getting a divorce. And before you jump to conclusions, no, it’s not Al Gore. And no, it has nothing to do with the discounted break-up rates offered by local attorney Paul Howard Jr. throughout the month of February. 

For tempted married couples already on shaky ground, the lure of Howard’s quick and easy Splitsville special may just prove to be an offer they can no longer refuse. At the very least it’s a prime sweetheart of a no-fault opportunity for those eager to upgrade their Facebook profile picture to one of those duck faces and to change their status from “complicated” to “single and loving it.” And it’s affordable.

But when you’re Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon, there’s no such thing as a discounted break-up deal once you’ve been caught sending pictures of your private parts to your valentine. Especially when that valentine isn’t your wife. And especially when your net worth is $150 billion. To put it another way — you ain’t getting no Splitsville special, and you’re about to lose a hell of a lot more than a Trans Am and a Bass boat.

If you take his good-looking valentine strumpet out of the equation, Mr. Bezos isn’t having much success in 2019 at all. His plan to build a second Amazon headquarters in New York City has now been thwarted by a handful of liberal idiots like Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She cheered when the company backed away from bringing 25,000 jobs to the area, somehow proclaiming it a victory for everyday workers. 

And all this time I thought the only place in the world where the loss of anticipated jobs was actually celebrated was here at home when a company walks away from the Kentucky Enterprise Industrial Park in Pikeville and local idiots get on social media to eagerly say, “I told you so.”

Ocasio-Cortez would have you believe that by splitting with Amazon, the despicable pile of $3 billion in tax incentives initially offered to the company is now suddenly accessible and can be used elsewhere by the government. As if by dodging that economy-boosting bullet she can now give a huge sigh of relief, go down to city hall, get it back out of the safe and waste it properly. Maybe she plans on giving this invisible money away to poor people who can’t find a job in that town thanks to rich corporate snobs like Bezos who won’t play by her rules.  What a moron.

EnerBlu recently took Pikeville to Splitsville by promising to bring 1,200 jobs to the industrial park to only get cold feet when things got serious. But unless you’re some Ocasio-Cortez-like vindictive sourpuss, you can’t blame city officials for holding on as long as they did while trying to work things out. I might hint to Pikeville officials that thanks to New York liberals, Amazon is now single — hot to trot and on the rebound.

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