You can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear. But you can get pork rinds from silk stockings ... If you pull them tight enough around a hog’s neck.
While you scratch your heads puzzling that one, Meat is in the land of fallen buckeyes. According to Tater he got a phone call late last night.
“I was half asleep. Some guy said he was from the Pig Advocates League and it was urgent that he talk to Meat. I figured it was one of his old Republican buddies.”
“When I woke up this morning, he was already dressed and tiptoeing across the bedroom carrying a pair of muck boots and an old long walking stick.”
“Kinda early to be going on a hike I said. But he said, ‘Not hiking, going on a pig drive ... should be back before the weekend’s over.’ I rolled over and went back to sleep.”
I heard this over coffee this morning. She didn’t have more details and with Meat gone, she was more eager to talk about the hubbub over Nike.
I could care less about the hubbub over Nike or whether somebody stands during the national anthem. I’m not going to buy Nikes anyway.
But isn’t it odd folks care more about who they use in an ad than the fact they’re manufactured by child slave labor in Burma?
I was more interested in Meat’s adventure, so after listening to Tater for an hour, I called his cell.
“Meat, where are you?”
“Well SJ, I’m on a pot-belly pig farm in Pendleton County. They’ve got 500 of these things running wild up here. I’m here to rescue them.”
Once upon a time, Meat worked on the biggest pig farm in Pike County. He was so good at keeping the hogs happy, they called him the pig whisperer.
He once told me, “There ain’t no secret to it — scratch a pig behind the left ear and it’ll follow you to the frying pan.” I took his word for it.
“What are you going to do with 500 pot-bellied pigs Meat?”
“Well my first idea was take them over to the ark park. That boat’s pretty big, it could easily take 500 pot-bellies.”
“Sounds like a good idea.”
“Not so much. Pigs are pretty bright and the pot-bellies especially. They’d outsmart the staff over there in a heartbeat and take over the place. Ken Hamm’s nobody to pork around with.”
“Well what are you going to do?”
“The only thing we can do, drive them to D.C. There’s plenty of room on the White House lawn. Teddy Roosevelt used to keep pigs and Trump likes to compare himself to ole ‘Rough and Ready’ so it’s a natural fit. Besides, he could use the PR these days.”
“That’s true. How long can you keep them there?”
“Not too long probably, things are getting pretty hot around there and you know what they say. You can dress a pig, you can perfume a pig, but come late fall there’s gonna be a bar-b-que.”
“With pot-belly pigs?”
“No idiot, I’m talking about Trump.”