Well hot diggity damn. What about you getting high on bourbon balls and telling everyone at the New Year’s Eve party you loved them, only to then swear off people, alcohol and chocolate the very next morning? Aren’t you the fickle one? Here it’s been only a few days and you’re already back to your  familiar self — alone, shooting whiskey, eating cookie dough and pondering as to how to cancel a five-day-old gym membership. We’ve all been there pal.

One short week has passed since the gleeful holiday season ended, and here now comes the vengeful new year, packing a brand new number yet the same old retribution. Maybe that’s the real reason you’ll date everything as if it’s still 2018 until about March. Already in denial as to the oncoming post-holiday financial crunch as it is, if there’s a God in heaven, you’d think the mistake to at least render the aforementioned gym contract null and void.

The onset of each new year’s financial crunch makes the desire for newfound frugalness inevitable, even if historically unattainable. Particularly when stoked by the realization that your credit cards are now as impotent as the giant blow-up Santa that lies face down, deflated on the front lawn. So naturally you’re not about to blow a week’s worth of this summer’s cruiseboat Margarita money at a fitness center just to watch skinny trophy wives fake crunches of their own. And definitely not while that obnoxious couple down the street sit poised to post their annual pictures of an airplane wing as they fly to the same seaport themselves. 

To make matters worse, a good chunk of your cruise fund, or tax refund as Uncle Sam likes to call it, now needs to go towards paying off the Power Wheels car you charged on your Mastercard a few weeks ago. Should you need reminded, that’s the plastic Jeep Wrangler Little Johnny didn’t asw much run the battery down on before parking it atop one of your neighbor’s favorite azalea bushes and staggering away from it, to then commence to playing in the box it came in. 

Hang on, there’s more. Thanks to the federal government shutdown, you may not even get that tax refund check in time, if at all. Word is that whenever Washington gets in a crunch, the heartless liberal employees who they’ve hired to receive your tax dollars are still guaranteed their salary. But the nice little conservative fella who mails out the refunds is the first guy told to clean out his desk. Thank Nancy Pelosi when Little Johnny has to watch his repoed Wrangler go down the road on a rollback.

Just the other day you were partying like it was 1999. So eat more pizza, drink more beer and do fewer crunches, before it’s too late. Remember, New Year’s resolutions are for quitters. You may be in a New Year’s crunch, but you ain’t no quitter.

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