Question: Assuming a man is not on the payroll, exactly how many days does the federal government have to stay shut down before it starts taking a toll on the average citizen? I’d figured it to be in the same neighborhood as the number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. Turns out, I was right. Answer: Nobody knows.

I don’t know about you but I’m actually kind of excited about this extended government smoke break. It’s like suddenly I’m back in junior high and the teachers are still in the lounge puffing cigarettes long after the bell rang, and for that every kid in third period social studies is praising Jesus and throwing paper wads. That was great. So now, just as I once hoped the teacher to do, I’d just as soon Congress take its good old easy time savoring those Virginia Slims.

Speaking of smoke blowers, I’d be remiss should I not mention Nancy Pelosi, for she’s the one who called for this mother of all smoke breaks in the first place. I’m as tired of writing about Nancy as you are reading about her, but ever since Stormy Daniels was ordered to give Donald Trump his attorney’s fees back I’ve found myself one joker shy of a full deck of dingbats. 

Luckily for us newspaper guys, just when a Stormy one-night stand goes quiet and the bed stops squeaking, another liberal cloudburst gathers with each new rising sun. But God forbid a funnel cloud form in the shape of Hurricane Pelosi, for all the money in the world won’t calm the torrent of misinformation brought down upon the land. That threat, plus the fact that most politicians in Washington like to serve until they’re 100 guarantees I’ll have plenty to write about.

As speaker of the House, Nancy now suggests that the president not deliver his State of the Union address during the smoke break due to security concerns. In reality, she’s just working against the speech merely out of nervous spite. No wonder. Trump’s demand for that wall probably has the poor woman up to two packs a day.

Donald Trump can give the State of the Union address from a bowling alley if he so chooses. And who the hell would want to subject themselves to giving that speech in front of a joint session of Congress anyway? Especially since that would include Pelosi’s gaggle, who detest all men, most white people and the constitution to begin with. For a deplorable white guy just trying to do right by America, that’s a tough crowd.

As to this extended government closure we find our government in the midst of, I say smoke ‘em if you got ‘em boys. As long as Dorsies Dairy Bar, the power company and Double Kwik remain open, we’re all good here in the hills. In other words, don’t call us, we’ll call you.

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