There’s something horrible in my past that I must confess. I’ve had this monkey on my back for years, and for me to hold it inside one more day isn’t fair to me, and it’s not fair to you. It’s eating me from the inside. Here goes — As a young kid I was a Democrat. 

I remember going to Piggly Wiggly with my mom, hurriedly lugging several eight-packs of empty returnable Pepsi bottles to the curb and then heading straight for the cereal aisle to find the boxes that had the free toys in them. Lured to the colorful boxes of sugary crunchies in the Democrat section, I actually cared — not what they tasted like, what they might cost or whether they were good for me or anyone else. All I knew was that the boring Republican boxes on the opposite side of the aisle looked to only want to make me healthy, and made no mention of a free prize. Screw that noise, I was for free toys. Looking back, it was about that time that I became a Democrat.

I eventually wised up however, and realized that putting plastic junk in my cereal was merely a ploy, dangled in front of me to get me to sign on to a certain brand. Maybe I dug a decoder ring out of the bottom of a box one morning and used it to decipher that it had all been a hoax. I don’t remember. But it was about that same time that I switched to bacon for breakfast, while most of my Democrat pals stuck with their Fruit Loops and Trix. To their dismay, the cereal companies stopped with the free trinkets soon after, as they came to know that it just wasn’t affordable. 

The gig was up, and I’d seen it coming. I’d become a Republican.

Democrat California Sen. Dianne Feinstein got a recent dose of today’s free toy crowd, having been ambushed by a group of school children demanding she sign on to the Green New Deal. I never thought I’d take the side of Feinstein on anything, but in the case of these brainwashed, climate change, curtain climbers, the senator was right to tell these Fruity Pebbles to stick their ultimatums where the sun don’t shine. 

After all, when you whip up a crowd of school kids just to shove your ideas down someone’s throat, and a former mayor of San Francisco finds you too radical, you’re out there. Feinstein somehow amassed a $100 million net worth with a Bachelor of Arts in history by coming up with dumb ideas of her own.

I was a Democrat right up until they stopped putting plastic trinkets in cereal boxes. But liberal Froot Loops in Washington are still playing similar tricks to this day — luring the young and unsuspecting with promises of instant gratification while packaging their sugar coated promises in colorful boxes with clowns on the front.

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