Trumpty Dumpty sat on a wall. The end.

What’s that? I’ve got another 495 words to go? Do I really have to spoil a perfect summation of our country today with more verbage?

Well, I guess if you say so. Here goes.

Emergency personnel across the country reported a sharp increase in alcohol related deaths on Wednesday morning. The deaths appear to be a result of a drinking game in which participants take a shot each time the Donald lied in his nationally-televised speech.

According to Ruth Mitchell, spokesperson for Reno 911, things could have been much worse.

“Many Americans are just too naive today to understand the consequences of this game. Historically, presidents have bent the truth about once every hundredth paragraph. Trump does it once every seven words. No one with a functioning liver could survive. It’s like playing Russian Roulette with six loaded chambers. “

“But we feel we dodged a bullet. First, the speech was under 10 minutes. If he’d gone 15, casualties could have tripled. Second, the ratings were worse than the last year of Happy Days. I don’t think a shark would have helped.”

In Kentucky, alcohol related mishaps were almost non-existent thanks to a cleverly scheduled UK basketball game. While Kentucky is heavy in Trumpets, few outside Louisville would miss the Cats for the Cheetoh.

For those of you who completely missed it, Trump made the assertion the situation on our southern border was a crisis of the soul. While that line spurred innumerable shots across the country, it’s likely they were misinterpreted.

The soul of our country is in crisis because the occupant of the Oval Office has no soul. Neither do the religious and political charlatans that claim some sort of divine mandate for Trump.

The facts, which are meaningless to around 30 percent of our voting population, show that illegal immigration has consistently fallen since 2005. The facts also show that more people come in legally and stay until they aren’t than come in illegally. The facts show far more people on terrorist watch lists are apprehended in airports than along our borders. Finally, the facts show far more illegal drugs enter our country by car, boat and airplane than by mules crossing the border.

The soul of our country is in crises because some have decided to ignore the symbolism of the Statue of Liberty and adapt a wall as a national symbol. A wall that is meant to keep brown Americans out of our country.

If it were really about national security, wouldn’t we be talking about a wall on our southern and northern borders? Seems like nobody’s scared of those fair-haired Canadians, though.

The greatness of America has always been in our diversity, a fact Trump and his ilk prefer you forget: Diversity in religious beliefs, diversity in national origin and racial makeup, diversity in our political makeup.

If our country has a crisis of the soul, it’s in those who believed we needed to Make America Great Again by returning to the 19th century and adapting prehistoric technology and beliefs to erase Obama’s legacy. And that’s what this is really all about.

Trumpty Dumpty sat on a wall. The end.

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(1) comment

ckdf

I always enjoy reading your column each week, as it adds a bit of fun to whatever political fiasco is occurring at the moment. But I think there is a need to add some context and correct some “facts” cited, or should I say NOT cited, in your article.
First, illegal immigration has not fallen consistently since 2005. In fact, illegal immigration increased by over one million people (depending on the source) from 2005 - 2007, decreased in 2008, and has shown inconsistent trends since (Pew Research Center, 2016, Department of Homeland Security, 2016). Some sources, including the DHS and U.S. Border Patrol, report increases in illegal immigration over the past two years (U.S. Border Patrol, https://www.cbp.gov/newsroom/stats/sw-border-migration#).
Some of the sharpest increases have been with unaccompanied children, with all but one of the nine major sectors of the southern border reporting an increase over the past two years. In some sectors (San Diego and Yuma), the increases in unaccompanied children has risen 61 to 89 percent respectively (https://www.cbp.gov/newsroom/stats/usbp-sw-border-apprehensions).
Second, you are correct in saying that most of the illegal drugs and criminal apprehensions occur at ports of entry, but that is mostly due to the volume of illegal substances that can be transported with larger vehicles over improved roads attached to ports of entry and the ease of travel on those improved roads. From a practical sense, this is the ideal situation, and it lends credence to the claim that a wall will aid in drug seizures and criminal apprehensions. For example, if a significant percentage of drugs that enter the country do so in locations with no barrier, which is true, once a barrier is put in place, the only alternative for the cartels and drug mules is to increase the amount of drugs trying to enter the ports of entry, thus allowing law enforcement a better opportunity to seize them where more agents and technology are present. My prediction is that if a barrier is built, drug seizures at ports of entry will increase almost immediately.
Finally, a wall is not trying to keep “brown Americans” out. That may be what some people say, but you are mistaken if you think all people in favor of a wall are racist. I don’t think you were saying that, but you can see how this can be misconstrued by people who read your column and are concerned about the state of the border. First of all, an immigrant, in this case an illegal immigrant and someone who is not a citizen of the U.S., is by definition not an American. So, a wall is not designed to keep “Americans” out. It’s designed to keep people from entering the country illegally, and encourage them to enter the country legally. How is it fair to someone from India, Thailand, Ghana, Kenya, and other countries that are not geographically attached to the U.S., who wait, in some cases for decades, to enter the country legally, while others, tens of thousands from South and Central America, attempt illegal entry, and often incite politicians and citizens to call for decreased LEGAL immigration as a result (DHS, 2017, Pew Research Center, 2016, https://www.wsj.com/articles/illegal-immigration-is-stable-11546996293)? The answer is of course no, it is not fair. And the reason people are less concerned with the northern border is also obvious to anyone who is paying attention. When was the last time the U.S. was faced with thousands of migrants trying to enter the country illegally from Canada (see the same source in the previous sentence for immigrant place of origin statistics)?
The problem with this whole debate is the messaging. Both sides, democrats and republicans, cannot present a viable message to the American people that is stern with regards to our laws, and compassionate where it is required; in other words, true to our national marketing. This is a point where I think we agree. The leaders in Washington, again on both sides, are acting in purely partisan terms. Some want the wall simply because they are concerned with 2020, and the other side doesn’t want the wall for the same reason. Not because they are concerned necessarily with what is best for the country. Politics uber alles.
I apologize for the long comment, and I hope we can have more discussion on this topic and others.

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